Sixteen percent of children live in blended families.
Per the U.S. Bureau of Census, 1300 new stepfamilies are formed each day.
40% of families in the U.S. are blended with at least one partner having a child from a previous relationship before marriage.
The number of kids living in blended families has been stable for nearly thirty years.
Children of Hispanic, Black, and white backgrounds are equally likely to live in this type of family.
Children from Asian families are half as likely as Hispanic, Black, or white kids to be part of a blended family.
Six in ten women's remarriages create blended families.
Growing up I did not think to myself “I can’t wait to grow up, get divorced, and blend a family together and always have to deal with an ex.” That was not on my “grown up to do list”. Sometimes that is just how the cookie crumbles and you have to learn a whole different family dynamic. I grew up with both parents in my home. So, having to juggle from home to home was never a part of my childhood. It is for so many children these days. I bet the majority of people reading this are either a step-parent or blend a family in some way. I have been a step-mother for most of my adult life. My first husband had a daughter and now this marriage; my husband has boys. Not all blended family dynamics are the same. Not all blended family situations have to be chaos and drama. There are several things I have learned in my years of being a step-parent or bonus mom if you will.
Here are my top 5 things I have learned about blending a family
Don’t expect your “familyness” to begin after you and your new spouse get married.
A strong marriage is a MUST if you plan to survive stepchildren. TRUST TRUST TRUST!
Parents of a blended family need to learn to work together.
Don’t throw in the towel to soon when it comes to your step kids showing affection towards you. Patience is the key.
Never fight in front of the kids about the blended situation.
My list could go on and on but those are my top 5! You must know that being a blended family is not an easy 3 ingredient recipe. Think of it as if you are cooking your favorite comfort food in your crockpot. It can be a complicated mix of things that you have to put in a slow cooker and let it simmer! It takes time to blend certain flavors to make them taste good.
Your day one does not start with togetherness. You are not a blended family when you say “I do.” You are blended when everyone takes the time to figure out the new family dynamic. That can take years! That may mean you have to have certain talks, many tears, arguments, victories together, laughs, and learning what works for each child.
Remember that your step child’s love will not be an immediate feeling like it was when you met your new spouse.
I know in my situation it has taken my step kids awhile to warm up to me. I would never want to replace that mother role in their life because they have a mother. So don’t try to be a mother or father if they have a good one in their life. In fact, show them that you support their mom or dad. Encourage and show that child you want their parents to get along and have a strong co-parenting relationship. All you can be is loving, understanding, and being a good role model for them.
You need to learn the rule of boundaries. What the kids do at their other parents house does not have to be the rule in your house. Now that is not the law of step parenting that is just how it works for us. That can be hard because then you will always hear “Well I can do this at my mom and or dad’s house.” Get ready, you will hear those words come from their mouth a time or two. It’s ok! It is not your job to make sure they always get what they want. That is why it takes time to blend. It will not happen overnight.
It has been a long journey for my blended situation to be where it is today. I am thankful I get along with my husband's ex wife and he gets along with her new husband. We sit at ballgames together, we have gone to eat together, we are even in a group chat together. Toxic doesn't have to be the word to describe a blended family. I know not everyone can have the same experience. But I promise if you work at it, learn your new family dynamic, keep your marriage strong with communication and figure out each child’s needs; because they are different, your blended family situation can be peaceful.
You are building a beautiful family mosaic! Blending together different colors, sizes and backgrounds into one masterpiece. If God has placed you in another child’s life to help guide them, He did it for a reason.
Learn together. Laugh together. Cry together. Figure it out….TOGETHER!
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